Chugga Chugga Chug Chug

Chugga Chugga Chug Chug 

I have always looked at life as an Indian vintage compartmentalised train that moves on tracks going somewhere. And it isn’t some kind of electric train, it is one of those old coal ones. The narrow gauge ones.

Chugga Chugga Chug Chug 

Everything needs to be done with my bare hands. There is soot of the coal-traces of people’s love that I pumped my life with, gladly. There are calluses on my palms caused by me holding onto some painful beautiful past.

Every time I stoke that hard earned coal and start my journey.

I walk into the first compartment.

Messy, with tucked away little souvenirs.

Things that wouldn't mean anything to anybody but me, things that people would throw away-a pen, a napkin, an unwritten notebook,a tie- things that store in them a secret history. I look upon them with a sense of pride.

Chugga Chugga Chug Chug 

Reassured I walk into the next one, with a spring in my step.

The roof of it is torn away in an imperfect manner albeit aesthetically…like a turning page frozen in action. The floor is muddy, cool brown mud that makes you want to abandon your slippers. And I do so. I feel the mud cuddling my feet, I feel the wind , I see the sky, I touch the clouds with my eyes, I flutter my eyelashes in agreement of joy with a sparrow passing by.

Chugga Chugga Chug Chug 

Uninhibited , I walk into the next one with a hop in my step.

A shiny one with different sized mirrors all around. Beautiful mirrors of different sizes and shapes, a kind of beauty that makes you feel small.The sound of the train doesn’t feel friendly in here. There are broken mirror, there are blurry mirrors, there are round, rectangular, shallow and deep ones. Yet, the reflections don't make it spacious, it is uncomfortable narrow in here. One reflects me pretty, one reflects me ugly, only one reflects the truth. I have wasted too much time here but didn’t find myself in any of the reflections.

Chugga Chugga Chug Chug 

Drooped shoulders, I walk into the next.

Somebody said “I love you”. I blushed.

The same voice continued “I love you” with an intonation of expectancy for me to reply. I still smiled, ignoring the subtle question.

Another friendly baritone said “ I will keep you happy.No matter what” . I smiled limply.

Two more voices came from the sides, warmly, “You are perfect!”
“I want to spend my life with you”.

Lovely friendly wonderful familiar voices.

My head spun with a strange weight. I feeling of unnecessary attention rose in the dark pit of my stomach crawling it’s way into my mouth.

Chug Chugga Chugga Chug

And I leaped into the next compartment, puking at the entrance.

Happy, that my ugliness wasn’t seen. I felt a sense of relief. I took a look at this compartment- strangely colourful and vaguely dark. Startlingly me yet shockingly unfamiliar.

It had strange scents- drool, sweat, perfume, blood,tears,puke, saliva and gut. Real!

The walls were throbbing. One cool, one hot, the other watery, another moist. This was me! I sat there. Lost and found at the same moment.

I was beginning to feel the journey, I was beginning to feel myself be part of the journey, being one with the rhythm of the train, feeling my being slide smoothly over the tracks.

Chugga Chugga Chug Chug……chug…chug…..chuuuuuuuuuuugggggg

It was slowing down.

no.

No!

NO!

chuuuuggggg… ...  ... chuuuuggggg….

I jumped up.

Grabbed pieces from each compartment.

Ran through them , not paying attention.

Blood from the last,a sweet voice from the forth,a beautiful reflection from the third,a winged bird from the second,the tie from the first.

I leaped ahead, opened the coal shaft and stuffed them in with the coal frantically.

It sprang into life again. My heavy breathing slowed down.

Chugga Chugga Chug Chug 

Chugga Chugga Chug Chug 

Chugga Chugga Chug Chug