At Dusk.

"Din dhal jaaye raat na aaye,tu toh na aaye teri yaad sataaye.- guide."

I’m afraid to sleep

I’m afraid to sleep

As night steps in wearing its glittering dress

I’m frightened of its beautiful darkness

I can’t fight the memories it brings in with it

I lose daily, maddening myself bit by bit

I’m afraid of the dreams that the sleep will bring in of you

Again and again, I’m afraid of losing my thoughts to you.

I’m struggling to make myself unfeeling, object-like and opaque

Trying to bury you under layers of hurt, anger, tears and heart ache

How to get myself out of this abyss?

How to draw you out of my heart and dismiss?

Even the blur of an illusion of you or a distant dream can bring it all back

Just the vision of you can make me defenseless-oh! what a cold attack

And if I sleep

And if I sleep

The dream I can never have, will unfold, in an awning 
autumn will prance in, disguised as spring

Mirage will flounce in, disguised as Oasis

Hope will be tricked by sweet reminiscence with pain as nexus

And I will fall vulnerably

Into the hungry ravine again, naively

Foolishly painting with colors in wild imagination

Only to be rendered sightless after it’s completion

Powerful pangs shall hit me later causing invisible burns

As I try to soothe them with my unending tear patterns

They shan't appease, for my tears are acids of pain

Burning me, turning me into a mere meek membrane

But I’ll sleep

But I’ll sleep

With a tear on my face I will wait for the dream…

The cruel dream to sow daffodils on the bank of my heart’s stream

I know they’ll die just tomorrow

And again I shall weep a deep ocean of sorrow

Nevertheless, I’ll put myself to sleep and reverie

At least my delusions will be flowery

Then maybe I’ll sleep forever

Then maybe I can dream of you forever

Then Maybe.
Just maybe.

Oh Mother!

You fashioned me with tender love and utmost care,
Woke me up with the musical chirpings spreading through the air,

Gave me fruits of varied tastes and many a companions in animals,

And I leaped jumped and played in happiness in the jungles

And when night fell, you sang to me through the lovely whispers of the wind

You rocked me into sleep wrapping warm blankets of flowers,helping me unwind

I built sand castles in the lap of your beach

Magnified them and started living a little out of your reach

But you were proud, for I had found something mine, a creative lil hobby

One day,I who never plucked a bud hitherto, axed a flowery tree for my luxury

You squinched but forgave me, thinking it was just an innocent gaffe

Though worrying that I might be turning this heaven into a riffraff

And I went on and hunted my brethren, my dear animals,

You stared, shocked and appalled at how easily I could kill my own pals
built something emitting black smokes, a machine I called it, choking you further

You coughed and I ignored, you bled and I didn’t even bother

But again you forgave me thinking it was just a brutal chapter

Though it hurt you, you were patient; you waited for me to change, to alter

I wasn’t paying heed to any of your pains

You understood that all I wanted was control over your reins

Then you showed your fury-shook the earth, wrought floods in the ocean

I was scared and vowed to take care but forgot all about it, yet another treason

Building many, polluting more, ruining most

You were counting my mistakes, I didn’t know, for I was a mad ghost

One day when I woke up, all I could hear were unpleasant cries

The changes brought about had suddenly hit me between my eyes

There was only the ruthlessness of sunrays burning my face

The harshness of wind cutting my skin, not a thing to embrace

Diseases, plague, pestilence spreading like wildfires

Stench, dirt, dust accompanied them as faithful squires

Not one twitter I could hear, not one sweet note I could listen to

Not one sweet blossom I could smell, not one fragrance I could drown into

Not one brother I could play with, not one leaping deer I could see

The vultures of my fate were circling above me

Where has everything gone? I was ignorantly trying to find my lost treasure

Everything has been taken away; the realization was more agonizing than a seizure

I saw your waters turn blood red, swelling and ebbing

I heard the wind’s howling, gasps of your weeping

I saw the volcano bursting with the hurt you gulped down, blistering for revenge

I felt the sky above me thundering, ready to avenge

I felt land beneath me trembling in shame and disappointment

Disappointment for carrying a child, bearing everything for it like a peasant

The realization has hit too late, I cry for the flora and the fauna, Oh mother!

And above all I cry for your comforting lap Mother!

Now I’ve learnt my lesson, please give me another chance

Please let me snuggle in your protective expanse

My heart yearns for your love, kindness, for everything that you’re Mother,

Punish me but don’t throw me away from your feet Mother!!

Oh Mother!

Have mercy Oh Mother!

Till death do us part.

I never liked the look of the body that housed me

I wished she were prettier,

I kept hoping she might suddenly bloom into a spectacular beauty

I was waiting for that moment,running hither and tither

I painted my lips red,my eyes black,but in vain

I was enraged whenever I looked at my reflection

I was restless, I was frustrated that I was so plain

I cursed God,saying i didn't deserve such an imperfection

I yowled into the pillow like a beast

I yelled at my very own face for a let out,for a release

but alas the pain only increased

sneering at my plainness,cutting me piece by piece

I stopped caring,i was dead

I lied down inside,in a deep sleep of  remorse

My body just walked,keeping me alive,drinking water and eating bread

for survival or mere existence,it dragged me with it  by force

One day,as it walked,it tumbled over a rock and fell

Scabbed it's knee bloody,but I didn't feel a thing

It walked on,plucked a rose and buried itself into it to smell

In me,I could feel the pleasantness of the sweet blossoms circling

I raised myself from sleep to get a better glimpse,but the rose's beauty stifled me

and i drowned back into the deep depths of my sea of melancholy

and my body pricked it's own finger with the thorn of the rose repeatedly

dripping blood,it went on piercing at the same spot unkindly

i couldn't understand what it was trying to prove?what was it's point?

a pool of blood has formed on the ground from it's jabbing.I was tired of it's game,

was it waiting for my sympathy?was it waiting for me to anoint?

since i couldn't feel the pain,the plan seemed just too lame

just then,it hit me,My carrier made me feel only life's mirth

it shielded me from the pain and suffering of wounds,bearing them bravely 

It showed me only the beauty,made me feel only the warming touch of earth

But the gashes and scabs it kept for itself,sustaining patiently.

All that has been eating me alive, had ceased,I felt a sense of tranquility within,

Suddenly all the negativity left me,I felt alive,i felt complete

I was whole,a much awaited sense of relief stepped in 

I had the urge to look at myself after this life rewarding treat

As I slowly peered into the waters of a lake,with anxious silence

--the same eyes,the same face looked back at me,but my reflection made me start

There was light in my eyes,glow on my face and the indescribable beauty of acceptance

I smiled in my celebration as i shall be such a beauty Till death do us part.

Guilty.

When I saw -A kid bickering me for money

That very moment I felt unclean,touched by that boy for a penny

Not even for a second did i even show compassion and care or kindness of any!

Yes.Guilty!

When I saw-A 16 year old sex worker

That very moment I felt disgust for her

Not even for a second did I think about the circumstances that brought her there

Yes.Guilty!

One day,with a broken heel i went to a cobbler

I saw this 10 yr old work,stitch by stitch,sweating under the sun

handed him my shoe trying not to touch him or get any closer

He smiled,took his needle and began his work joyfully like it were fun

I saw him work on my shoe,he sew it tight,checking everything

He inspected it thrice,making sure it was perfect

That moment it dawned on me, I've never worked in my entire life for anything

I hated people who sweated,looked at them like they were some kind of insect

I looked at the world through the window of my car

Untouched by dust,dirt and human brutality

The world was at my feet since i was born yet from reality i was very far

Unblemished by starvation, abjection and poverty

Why the difference between me and them??

What had i done to be such a snob and still have everything in the world
What had they done to be treated by the likes of me like they were phlegm

Who judged us?Who gave us our parts?Who made this confusing world?

As these questions buzzed in my head

I saw a kid crossing the street yelling "tea!tea!tea!"

He tapped on my knee,smiled shyly and "the merits of his tea" he recited

I bought it,sipped the tea from the ugly little glass,very dusty

When I saw-A kid asking me to buy his tea

That very moment I felt love for him

Not even for a second did I think about the dusty glass and the dreadful tea.

Can i change his life?and build a new life for him?

No.

And I stand still GUILTY!!

Loveaholic.

Daily mundane work sparkles with the continuing thoughts of you.

House chores become beach strolls when it’s for just me and you.

Not an extravagant and frenzied love but the one that comforts

The one that gives riches that are greater than castles and king’s forts

Memories. The times when you read a poem while lying down in my lap

The times when I tousle your hair and you peacefully slip into a nap

The lazy weekends when we lie in the bed until late in the morning

The dawns when you treat me like a queen with breakfast in bed, bowing

These are the Riches. Treasures of million little moments

Treasures. Jewels of billion memorable seconds

Living in every atom of my body

Guarded by my breaths, my army

Your embrace is more than home.

Your kiss is one big sweet honeycomb.

And oh that smile of million stars!! That smile is like a Christmas day’s snowfall

And at the end of each day your love is all I need and that is all.

Questioning God.

Are we just your play toys?

bound to deceive one another with our own ploys?

Are we just your hostages?
heads hung low,with not a vestige of prestige?

Unimportant.

Unpurposed.

agonies incarnate are we?to quench the blood-thirst of your elusive goals

Why dissipate our weak souls?

churning anger from the crux of tenuous heartstrings

Why spawn these stinging feelings?

Unkind.

Uncaring.

Whats the whole point of our existence?

Why drop us and mock us?What's your brilliance?

Are we to pick up your little hints and clues?

Only to be maddened by unending charms and voodoos

Merciless.

Ruthless.

Why create loved ones and then cruelly take them away?

Why conjure up beautiful dreams and lead us astray?

Why disguise evil in a beauty and beauty in a beast?

Are our tears your wine and pain, your feast?

Pitiless.

Reckless.

Is there an answer?Is there an answer?

For every teardrop of a mother after her loss in a fruitless War?

For every aching heart of an orphan for his unknown mother?

Give me an answer!Give me an answer!

Celestial Waterfall.

I saw her glowing in all her pride,

No heavenly body matched her light

She was a beauty, perfection’s very own guide

Every star twinkled curiously at her sight

I was intrigued by her presence

She was a mysterious object

I grew restless in her absence

She was mystifying, sometimes whole sometimes crescent

Everybody accepted her without any questions

But I wanted to know her depth, all her secrets

I patted her with my rays letting her know of my intentions

She echoed back, conversing through her wavelets

I asked her a million little things, nudged her to know everything

She answered patiently, though in puzzles

Her light flowing through the entire universe has now become my yearning

She shared her ideas and longings, but only in riddles

One day, I told her “You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen”

She giggled “But I’m not beautiful at all, I’ve these ugly spots on me”

“I don’t see any; you glow ethereally, cooling all the fire burning me from within”

She laughed at me like I were an ignorant. Adding another mystery.

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He knows not that I glow in his blazing flow

He is the reason for my luminescence

He is the season for all the joys in my heart that overflow

I radiate in his powerful glance and burning look, so intense

His searing power challenges my strengths

His unending questions sharpen my intellect

His perpetual presence unravels my mind’s labyrinths

His warming touch understands my heart’s confusing dialect

I wane in my own doubts, cruelly, knowingly

I wax when he probes for answers, unknowingly

He is the source of my light,both inner and exterior, the one and only!!

Take him away and I’ve nothing...for I treasure his taste very deeply.

 Unfold my mystery, my all?

Reveal my great secret!! and will I be enchanting anymore?

To be mocked at by him will be an ignominious fall

From where I can never rise; For I’ll lose my life, My paramour

 Flinching though.I told him “It’s all you, this entire glow, and all this beauty”

said he "What a blissful irony.But I shine for you and my burning love melted into your soothing calm
enamored am I  not of your external beauty, but of your core,dazzlingly shiny

I fell in love with you for you care for me with loving aplomb”

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His scorching strength, the reason for her Beauty

Her balmy caresses, the reason for his Power, his all

Together they're bound by a divine treaty.

Flooding the universe their love falls and flows like a Celestial Waterfall.

Elemental.

You’re the flame in my heart, inextinguishable

That showers light on my gifts and makes me dream on and on

That spreads sparks when assailed by chills of failure , irrefutable

Firing up every ounce of my energy to march on and on

You carry me like the earth carries its children

You mine answers to all my questions, never asking me to quit

You bequeath fruits of love and joy like a beautiful garden

Carrying my burden, forgiving every hurtful deed I commit

You are the water that hoses seeds of a lovely thought

You flow into every crest and trough that I enter

You run peacefully, making me sail like a majestic yacht

On your course, I feel safe to venture

You are the vast sky of prospects, when I look up

Highlighting the North Star, leading to a a new way like a lantern

You are the abode of Sun,who instills in me faith and hope

You’re the blanket of stars, mysterious signs of crowns for me to earn

You are like the wind, always walking along

You surround me, protecting me with ferocity, a force-mystique

You reprimand me as a fierce storm when I’m hostile and wrong

You sooth me as a soft breeze when I’m timid and weak

You set my heart on fire with desires, stirring and whispering

You are hurricane in my dreamland, blowing away the evils and nurturing the fine

On your spread wings  I reach the heavens of sky, unknown and unheard

You make the river of your thoughts flow into my mind like a potion, oh so divine

You can destroy me with the power that you pride

For you’re my wind, water, earth, sky and fire

You can annihilate me by just leaving my side

You can dust me down or make me my own Empire.

The Lost Children.

Where I come from,there's very little hope

I see my mother and sisters in rags

I see my father toiling for our living that's too hard to cope

I see hunger killing my people,while time painfully drags

Shed so many tears for the dead,

That now even my heart is withering in drought

Laid their bodies in the earth's bed

only to wait for another life to fade out

Told so many lies for a piece of bread,

That now I don't know what is truth and what is not

to my father ,made so many promises,having truth-not a shred

He moved on not relying,For I'm just a 12 year old tiny tot

One day came a person,who vowed a perfect life for my family

But said it would come at a price-at a very high price.

As my family will be able to eat a square meal daily

I nodded.Consented without second thought,in a trice.

Left my home,to join their army

Reached a place where men speak of  "war of honor"

And I was not alone,there were many like me

They trained in stealth attacks,taught us lessons of blood shed hour after hour

Now,I sit here with a rifle in my hand

Now,I sit here with hatred in my mind

Now,Its my honor to sacrifice,in the name of my Land

Now I know,lives should be taken to strengthen my kind

Sent on a mission to another place to sacrifice myself in a killing

I was proud to carry out the supposed mission of God,as mine

there i saw,jumping and laughing
a little piece of firework,a boy of nine

The very image of all the Childhood I had lost

I saw in him,everything i craved for-love and laughter,care and consolation

And here I am about to deprive him of it.like a mad ghost?

Killing something so pure,can never beget God's appreciation but an unbridgeable alienation

Now,I sit here unlearning all the lessons of insanity

Now,I sit here with true answers lighting my mind

Now and only now,I feel honored to burn my past,in the wake of Humanity

Now I know,Not war but love and hope are to be injected to strengthen my kind

Up-keeping a child's laughter is the key

Now i know every child is a hope,to mend the broken

A child's laugh is the reflection of God's glee

which nurse the wounds of us,the wounds of The Lost Children.

Hope.

Every soul has two contrasting tones

The bright and the dark

Composing life in dramatic overtones

Without them,a person would lack  a true spark

But submit not,to the negativity

True,every rose has it's thorn

the thorn is nipped,Not the rose's beauty

for each negative thought dismissed,a better person is born

Sometimes emptiness does cry in the heart of one's mind

Only one choice seems visible,standing crystal clear

The other is only seen by the blind.
Indeed,the blind...the ones that are blind to fear.

Self-pity is the most famous route to take

Pessimism is always at it's other end to greet

But the dream has to be kept alive,protected and awake

it has to become the way of life,one's own heartbeat.

There will be wounds that are real but not physically concrete
There'll be days of angst and anguish
But lose not the faith!Lose not the belief.And retreat.
The healing is painful and long,but do not languish

We're the choices we make 

 each gifted with a powerful matchstick within us,to grope

It's upon us whether-To Light our own pyre to give up,to Forsake

Or To Light a candle to Promise,to Hope.

Seeing the light.

Everything was a sudden blur

and the surroundings evaporated under the evil glare

fear crept in,a pain swooned when consciousness regained

The air reeked of stench and the carpet i was lying on was stained

Making an attempt to stand,i realized

my clothes were torn and hair disheveled,every inch of me pained,

 I could see my nails broken and my legs indecently spread-eagled

I felt my nerves wildly tremulous,'cause of the pain inflicted

Crashing down,it all came,all my screams and the lewd laughter

forcible demonic hands,evil hisses and the crude chatter

every girl's "womanhood" is a gift she always fears

and now mine was taken while eyes burned with bloody tears

With none to hear I Cried,and I cried

till I ran out of my tears,I cried and I cried

when my consciousness left,i was dumped back in an alley

Even Lowest Humanity,sadly doesn't have any ally

Into the dark my once sunny thoughts plummeted 

Every thing with life,I feared and doubted

I was scared of myself,scared of my own touch

every breath was a torment too much

Lost in a complex spell I didn't know how to break

Lost in a conundrum ,I didn't know how to crack

I pleaded my mind to protect my sanity with a shield

I begged for the clutching shame at my heart to yield

Just when the pinnacle of my weakness was hit

Like an explosion in furnace, my whole being lit

"He did not violate me,He did not come as close to as even a touch,

grabbed every part of me,every inch, but I did NOT feel his touch"

My thoughts are still unblemished,my mind pious

My feelings-the nucleus of my body,still are righteous

I'm still as clear as the teachings of a Zen

I'm still as pure as the raindrop from heaven

I lifted myself up with the strength acquired

and the sense of Me I regained

I moved towards the mirror with little apprehension

Step by step ,peering into it with anticipation

And I saw the same beautiful girl appear

I looked at my smiling reflection-with a happy tear

A face with two guileless almonds

Sparkling eyes of black diamonds

EPILOGUE:A Rape cannot reach the true depth of a woman's body.

Language of tears.

Death doesn't put an end to Love.

-If Only.

Crashed down.Dazed and confused-
vision of joy blurred and obscured

What is the cure? For I’m not physically wounded

But lost my soul in a maze, it lies in a pandemonium of dread

The mind is obliterating memories, Or itself, is it losing?

The heart is pumping blood, Or itself, is it bleeding?

Nostalgia is a bittersweet feeling, it tells tales-

Of every picture holding your infinitesimal details

But there will be no new memories, for into an oblivion you’ve vanished

It leaves in me an infinity, where all the light is banished

Every teardrop of mine is a deep ocean of melancholy

And I swim through it to reach an illusion of you, blindly

Imagining the shore where you stand and where itself happiness seats

I reminisce the myriad moments of our harmonious heartbeats  

With every happy thought I seem to punish myself more

In every thought, lies the sound of your laughter as its core

I hope it’s a dirge to my own existence,to which I persistently hear

In that laughter I smile but it’s accompanied by a bereaving tear

It trickles clasping you forlornly

It drops remembering you wistfully

Holding my mind as a quill, it phrases

Marking my soul with a stain, it punctuates

Helplessly, they run down,they flood.more of them-

And,in their tearful language, they pen a poignant poem.

Two Syllables.

Falling into an abyss,deeply into you

Reaching out to you, anew

With my consciousness to read

With your conscience to lead

Surrounded and wrapped in your cognizance

Unraveling you in your entirety with my diligence

Every tenuous membrane to be discovered

Every throbbing emotion to be deciphered
Listening to your glistening thoughts
treasured in their sapphire,jade and diamond pots

Treading into the depths of you,I see behind the façade- 

You've hidden the tears, the heartaches-paradoxical feelings I wish to softly prod

in the blues of your consciousness, I see your fears-

I wait till your guard of masculinity clears-

To reveal the sensitive side -childish and endearing.

I let go my own weaknesses –my bearing

I don’t find them mocking one another but stroking and caressing

I see them comforting each other and embracing.

I travel around and unlock your vault of dreams

My word! They strike me like strong sunbeams

Some simple, some sweet and a few atrocious I realize your extremities

I unleash my own ambitions in bounties

I see them confiding, and each other they’ve won

I smile, for now it has become ‘our’ dream-one!

I now carefully tread into darkness-negativity in you peeps

I poke further to get it all out, but resistance reaps

No giving up, I nudge and nudge-and slowly the darker shades creep

Insecurities and petty jealousies, finally little by little, they leap

Here’s not where I should let my underlying evils seep 

Thence I gather my strengths and lull them into a sedated sleep

Rocking back and forth

Rocking back and forth

I’m now starkly conscious of you

All of me melting into all of you
nothing physical,yet burning with intensity
amalgamating into one,in tranquility

Your true consciousness and mine

Two syllables effervescing to eternally entwine

To proudly profoundly pronounce Love.

Purpose

If you’re the adventure I’m the thrill in it

If you’re an icicle I’m the chill in it

If you’re Cap’ Jack sparrow I’m the black pearl

If you’re the ocean I’ll be the tectonic whirl

If you’re Sherlock Holmes I’m that mystique case

If you’re a Ferrari I’m your smooth race

If you’re Jackson I’ll be your moon walk

If you’re the valley I’ll be the mountain rock

If you’re Da Vinci I’ll be the Mona Lisa

If you’re a flight I’ll be your visa

If you’re the alcohol I’ll be the high

If you’re the Gambler I’ll be your die

If you’re the sailor I’ll be your boat

If you’re the Gangster I’ll be your bullet

If you’re the officer I’ll be your badge 

If you’re the sword I’ll be its edge

Always with you directing you like a compass

Always within you enriching your purpose.